The “business of civility”  can be very rewarding and I’ve enjoyed many measurable professional successess over the years. Lately though I’ve experienced significant, and I have to admit, unexpected rewards in terms of friendship, collaboration, and inspiration from several of my counterparts in the civility and related training industry. While I’ve always understood that one of the outcomes of civility is increased social capital, I never really expected to experience it by way of those who technically should be regarded as my competitors. But, more than once over the the past few months I have been overwhelmed by the extent of the sincerity, kindness, collaborative effort and civility extended to me, and others, by some of my colleagues. The professionalism and integrity that they consistently exhibit makes all of us civility sorts look good! 

At the risk of forgetting someone who deserves mention, I feel compelled to write about a few people who in my estimation really do “walk the talk” when it comes to fostering civility.

Firstly, to my 17 co-authors in The Power of Civility- thank you all for choosing to collaborate on what has turned out to be an amazing book. Just the act of sharing authorship, never mind your intellectual property, with me- and the other co-authors, in spite of each of us being competition in her own way, is hugely generous. Special mention to Suzanne Nourse of Protocol School of Ottawa, www.etiquetteOttawa.com who kindly gives me her time and attention every time I’m in Ottawa- and on my last visit actually took the jewellry right off her neck and gave it to me, just because I admired it- who does that?

 

Louise Fox of Etiquette Ladies and www.MannersTV.com – I applaud you for your courage and grace this past year through difficult times and the loss of your dear mother. Regardless of what’s going on in your life you are an ongoing support and friend but also a reliable and trustworthy business partner. Always so well-turned out too-as beautiful outside as on the inside. (Louise is actively seeking MannersTV resellers- if you’re interested, email her louise@etiquetteladies.com- tell her I sent you!)

 

Sue Jacques, the Civility CEO  who I have had the pleasure of meeting and even exchanged clients with a time or two, and about whom I hear - via web or 3rd party clients and colleagues far more often than I care to admit (from a competitor’s standpoint). But not once, in  12 years, have I ever heard even the teeniest negative thing said about her, or by her. How many of us can say that of ourselves?

 

My new affiliate in the Philippines, Olen Juarez-Lim, www.ojlconsulting.com is one of the most effective communicatiors I know. She navigates cultural and communication barriers with ease, and there is a marked authenticity about her. In a work-world where my experience has been that women are not always as direct and sincere as they should be- particularly when doing business with other women, Olen is a shining example of integrity and honesty. (I get the same enthuasism and palpable positivity in my communications with Olen’s Singapore associate Christina Ong, www.imageworksasia.com too.)  Olen, it’s a privilege to be affiliated with you and I look forward to a long prosperous relationship.

 

Wendy Deming at Gulf Coast Community Foundation who I don’t get to speak with often but who is a true maverick in the field of civility. Her civility inititiative model set the bar for initiatives nation-wide and her courage to “start the conversation” has inspired me. My experiences in Venice, Florida with Wendy and her team www.becauseitmatters.com last year was a life-changer for me. One of the hi-lights is the ongoing opportunity to work with Giovanna Mcgrath at www.civilityexpertsUSA.com who is “all about the giggle”. Giovanna is one of those people who really does make the world better just by being in it! I’ve never met a happier person in my life.

 

And last but not least, Yasmin Anderson Smith www.kymsimage.com who to me exemplifies character- always patient, always serving others, always respectful, and talk about focus…yikes! I am so proud to have the opportunity to actively promote and sell Yasmin’s Every Girl Can self-esteem programs for young women in Canada. www.everygirlcan.org. If you’re looking for a way to make a difference in your community, Yasmin is offering lisencing opportunities for Every Girl Can, yasmin@kymsimage.com

 

I should stop now…although I could go on for another 1000 words or so. Anyway, thank you my civil colleagues! Thank you for making the business of civility so rewarding for me.

Steven Slater behaved badly. But that Jet Blue flight was a collage of incivility. And in my expert opinion, the bigger civility blunder was committed by the insult-hurling passenger who willingly endangered herself and the other passengers by standing up and opening the bin before the plane came to a full stop.

(Clearly everyone who has ever flown knows that is a no no). And why would she think swearing at, or harming, someone is ever okay? I’ll tell you why —it’s because all the co-passengers who sat there and said, and did, nothing while that woman berated and injured the flight attendant, pretty much said it was okay. The reality is, poor manners come with the price of a plane ticket these days and everyone who has ever flown is partly to blame. Think about it, who out there has never put all his over-weight carry-on baggage in the overhead bin and left no room for anyone else? Have you ever been the parent who did nothing when your toddler was clearly kicking the seat in front repeatedly. Have you ever ploughed your way through the other passengers waiting to de-plane or maybe deliberately left your cell phone on at take-off cause you’re too important to follow the rules?

Shame on YOU for judging others when you’re behaving as badly or worse, and shame on you, and me too- for occasionally being the silent co-passenger who gives you permission to be rude and lets myself or others be bullied by disrespectful, socially incompetent people on the plane and other public places. Sometimes choosing civility means giving rudeness a kick in the you know what, so I am officially deploying my imaginary emergency slide and not-so-politely throwing all of you rude sorts off the plane!

Whether we’re talking about a table-setting or a handshake, the rituals of etiquette have long held value. And from 2500 B.C. with the first known manners guide the Instructions of Ptahhotep, people have understood that the technical aspects of courtesy; how you hold your fork, or whether you even use one, if you leave your hat on, what you serve for dinner, etc, aren’t really the issue. Recognizing that manners are really about extending a small gesture of respect, about indicating an interest in others, about getting by in the world in a way that shows care and consideration for oneself and for others- that is the issue.

When it comes to modern manners most of us know that how you extend an invitation is not always as important as extending it. Deep down we realize that having the whole family sit at the table for dinner isn’t so much about “acting civilized” as it is about choosing to take time to be together, to laugh, tell stories, to connect in some small way.

Inviting guests over and making them feel welcome is a way of opening your heart, not just your front door, it’s a way of letting people know that you are interested in sharing with them; food, the comforts of home, and maybe some conversation. Looking someone in the eye and extending a handshake tells him or her that you choose to take a minute out of a busy, tired, stressful day to show another human being that they have value.

Traditions are important too. They connect us with our family and friends in a very personal way. Maybe it’s baking a cake with your daughter every Sunday. Maybe it’s packing some shortbread and hot chocolate and tromping through the tree farm to find the perfect pine for the holidays. And it might even be eating pizza out of the box every Friday night. What you do is not what matters, how you do it – indulging in the moment and making an effort, and that you do it at all, that is what means something.

No matter what day it was, and for no reason in particular, there were always fresh flowers on the table at my friend Rose’s house. Piping hot stove-perked coffee was always served in beautiful old china cups and even store bought cookies were served on a fancy plate. “Don’t fuss Rose”, I’d always say, and, “It’s no trouble” was her constant reply. The truth is she did fuss, and quite honestly, I grew accustomed to it and would have been disappointed if she didn’t.

When Rose went to the trouble to choose a china cup, to pair it with a charming old linen napkin, or to buy cream – just because she knew I preferred it to milk in my coffee, made me feel special. The fact is I’m not special. Anyone and everyone who comes to Rose’s home got this royal treatment. We’re not special, Rose was special. Rose passed on some time ago, but every time I pour a cup of tea, and every time, I have a friend for coffee I think of her…..and I miss her.

These days anyone who “bothers”, who takes a few minutes, and goes to any trouble, is special. That we’re all busy and tired and stressed has become a good enough excuse to be uncivilized, lazy even. Standing and picking at the food in the pots on the stove; grabbing a bite as we rush out the door; eating out of the container the food comes in; for most of us putting the potato chips in a bowl is too much “bother” these days.

There is no question that making an effort takes time. It is absolutely true that sometimes people won’t even notice when you do the little extras. But sometimes they will, and they’ll feel special. They will remember the gesture and come to appreciate it, maybe even come to expect it. Would that be so bad?

What’s more, exhibiting good manners and giving a little extra of yourself will make you feel good too. Consistently choosing to exhibit good manners says a lot about your personal standard. I realize now for example, that Rose bothers to put out the fancy plates, just like she bothers to dress nicely and to keep a neat house because it is her way of respecting herself. In the process, she earns the respectfulness of others and she succeeds in making the everyday special, something she has done for 80+ years.

I hope you’ll join me and share your own etiquette techniques and traditions for treating everyone, with exactly the same respect and consideration, in every situation, everyday.

You had good intentions, but somehow things got out of hand. Your brother-in-law pushed your buttons and although you tried to keep your mouth shut, you just had to say something. Now you now regret it. Big time.

What should you do? An apology sends the clearest signal that we have the strength of character to reconcile ourselves with the truth. It is the most courageous gesture we can make to ourselves.

Leave out the ifs and buts. If reduces the effectiveness of an apology. For example: “If I offended you, I am sorry.” This says the offence may or may not have happened. Adding but is just as bad. For example: “I am sorry, but you started it.” Using but just deflects some of the responsibility away from ourselves and reduces the effectiveness of the apology. Say, “I offended you and I am sorry.”

Use the active voice, not passive. The passive voice is another way of avoiding responsibility. Instead of saying, “I made a mistake,” the apology comes out as, “Mistakes were made.” It’s like someone else may have made them. You know you are in the passive voice if some form of the verb to be is used.

Don’t joke around. An apology is serious and although humour is good to diffuse tense situations, don’t use it in an apology.

Don’t assume. No one wants to accept an apology from someone who is arrogant enough to presume they know how you feel. Instead of saying, “I know exactly how you feel,” say, “I can’t imagine how you are feeling.” Or say, “I wonder how I would feel if I were in your shoes. I don’t know. How do you feel?”

Don’t say, “What can I do to make it right?” An apology is much more effective if it includes a plan for restitution. The victim needs to hear what you think is an appropriate offer. Do what is fair without asking. Be generous.

Take turns. When offering a significant apology, say something like, “I need to apologize to you. This is not easy for me so I ask that you hear me out and then I will listen to what you have to say.” This increases the chances that the person will actually listen to you and not be thinking of their own response.

Begin with I. An apology is about accepting personal responsibility so rather than say, “You have said things and I have said things and it’s time to stop the fight,” say, “I apologize. I have said things I didn’t mean and I am sorry.”

Use the victim’s name. Everyone likes to hear their own name and using it in your apology reinforces the mission, which is to repair the relationship.

Don’t Ramble. Rambling usually ends in excuses. Say you’re sorry, then stop and listen.

Don’t Argue. Even if the victim doesn’t see things your way, just listen. The purpose of an apology is not to change someone’s point of view.

The apology in a nutshell

• Say I’m sorry, I apologize
• Make it timely
• Take responsibility
• State the wrong at the beginning
• Express hearfelt authentic genuine regret
• Express emotion
• Give an explanation
• Going forward, give solutions and actions you are planning to take that will prevent this from happening again
• Follow up

I thought I was dreaming. But as I scrambled to gather up the pancake fixings I had dropped in the shock of the moment, I realized that I had in fact just heard the Bluetooth-clad woman in front of me apologize. She actually pulled the headset out of her ear and told the grocery cashier she was sorry for being rude in answering her cell phone in the middle of the transaction. I couldn’t believe it. Courtesy in the grocery store… and on a weekend morning, wow! 

Then it occurred to me that I hadn’t endured the typical honking and swearing in the parking lot on the way in either. And not even once did I have to move some self-absorbed, grouchy shopper’s cart out of the middle of the aisle so I could pass. A couple of stranger’s had even made direct eye contact and said good morning as we all navigated the crowded sampling stations.

I smiled to myself as I recalled the kind man who, about a week before, let my daughter and I go ahead of him at the movie ticket booth. (He had observed my 8 year old’s meltdown over our being late for her little friend’s birthday party). And, surprisingly, that same little friend had actually sent out thank you cards for the gifts she’d received at the party- a memorable act as thank you cards are not a common occurrence these days. What was going on, and why hadn’t I noticed this courteous social shift before now?

Could it be that Canadians have more than maple syrup coursing through their veins? Were my American friends and European clients correct in saying that courtesy is a “Canadian thing”; that manners are in our blood and a natural part of being Canadian? Was it true that Canadians are for the most part thoughtful and kind and that maybe our world-wide reputation for being well-mannered is well-deserved?

www.readersdigest.com

Based on my recent experiences, I’d say “YES”, but a recent Angus Reid study showed that unfortunately we’re not all so nice all of the time.

In spite the fact that civilized conduct seems to be highly valued, the survey showed that Canadians do not appear to be incorporating society’s esteemed code in their daily lives. In fact:

• Sixty-five per cent (65%) of Canadians say they witness lack of common courtesies on a regular basis, such as saying please, thank you or hello;
• More women (41%) than men (29%) report witnessing rude commuters on a regular basis;
• Fifty-nine per cent (59%) of respondents complain of regular exposure to road rage, such as tailgating and cutting off other drivers; and
• Fifty-four per cent (54%) of respondents report witnessing technology abuse regularly, such as the use of cell phones and PDAs during meetings or while on a date.

Still, I’d argue that in many countries people wouldn’t wait politely for the light to change to cross the street- even when it’s -40 and there’s no car in sight for blocks? And in other parts of the world you wouldn’t hear “Sorry” or “Excuse me” if someone bumped into you on the subway? Some of my well-travelled friends and out-of-country visitors suggest that there are many examples of Canadian courtesies not often experienced elsewhere, such as:

• Canadians are neighbourly; they will shovel their neighbour’s walks without being asked and expect no favor in return. They won’t let their dog poop on someone else’s lawn, and they’ll automatically turn down their music at 11pm.
• Canadians are the sort who would put a coin in someone else’s parking meter if they see it is expiring.
• Most Canadians understand that eye contact and a handshake goes a long way.
• They remember to say please and thank you, and they wait their turn in line.
• It’s the little things Canadians do, like following what some people see as old-fashioned rules; taking their shoes off at the door, not showing up empty-handed when they’re guests, clean up after themselves, being respectful of other people’s property and tipping….Canadians are great tippers!
• Canadians for the most part are open-minded and welcoming, they embrace differences, and are kind to newcomers; they’re likely to offer to help a stranger who is lost or struggling with luggage etc.
• Canadians apologize when someone else makes a mistake, e.g., “I’m sorry but you’ve overcooked my steak”.

As the leading civility expert in Canada for the past 12 years, I am pleased to state for the record that I believe that Canadians are paying closer attention to their manners. I believe that increasingly, Canadians are acknowledging civility when they experience it and that they are reciprocating in-kind. I believe that we are starting to better understand the impact of rudeness to our health, to our relationships, to service standards, and to the overall quality of our lives. And, I believe that the three core elements of civility; practicing restraint, showing respect, and taking responsibility, (Dr. P. Forni/Choose Civility) do accurately describe the character of most Canadians. I am Canadian and I am proud to be polite.

 Lew Bayer

President

CivilityExperts.com

Do you have a question about what is polite and what is not? Has someone been rude and you want to tell him or her but don’t know how? OR, is there someone who is particularly polite and you want to acknowledge their positive behaviour?

Visit these featured sites for help with any of the above. www.youresorude.com www.youresopolite.com

“Constant uncertainty about our identities and our future seems at times our only certainty. Long-established values seem obsolete, but to agree on what the new ones should be seems a daunting task….in fact the notion of standards itself has become problematic.” P.M. Forni, Co-founder, Johns Hopkins Civility Project

Bullying, poor safety standards, swearing, workplace violence, illegal business practices, insufficient health benefits, overworking issues, marginalizing, inequity in pay structures, sexual harassment, discrimination, favoritism, lying, fraud, wrongful termination, lateness, disrespect for cultural difference, poor communication, employee theft, embezzlement, poor leadership, office politics, laziness, insubordination, falsifying documents, illicit workplace relationships, unprofessional conduct, inferior customer service…..these are just a few indications of the current, almost pandemic levels of incivility in America. 

We are in the midst of a very serious civility crisis. Left unchecked, the outcomes of incivility spreads like a rampant virus and the impact is measurable and significant. Rudeness costs- time, money, energy, confidence, human assets, integrity, relationships, morale, morality, values, communication, common sense, productivity, and organizational profit. So why aren’t we doing something about it? 

I for one am choosing civility- officially! I’ve been traveling and teaching and writing, reading, researching the topic for almost 12 years, and I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished over the past dozen years, but, I want more. So I am now on a mission to recruit others to actively choose civility, and to encourage others to do so. I’m interested in how you think we can work together to make the world- starting with our homes, schools, workplaces and communities kinder places. One fantastic example of this is the Because it Matters initiative funded by the Gulf Coast Community Foundation in Venice, Florida. Take a look at their site and please send me your thoughts. www.becauseitmatters.com.